Thursday, December 6, 2012

Raising or Training Children???

I was reading on another web page earlier and the question was asked, "What has helped you through the most difficult times in raising your children." It made me stop and think. 

We are not done training our children yet, They are 17,12 & 11 so they are getting up there fast but here was my Off the Top of My Head, Instinctive response to the question.
I prayed for 7 years to have my first baby. I had a LOT of miscarriages but it took 7 years before God answered my prayers and gave me my son. 

From day one to now, 17 years later at 6ft6', he has and always will be the "Son of My Heart" When he was 3 days old I took him to church and handed him to the Preacher and with my family standing around the Preacher held him, thanked God for answering not just mine but my family and the church's years of praying and we gave him back to God.

I thought, through circumstances that he would be my only child. But when he was 5 we had a tiny little girl the "Daughter of My Love". Once again we gave her back to God as I was finding out I had cancer and would never have any more children after surgery....6 months later I was pregnant and had cancer again! "You won't make it." "The baby will never survive." BUT...Our last son was born ON HIS DUE DATE, having survived 5 surgeries with me! He is the "Son of My Life".

We are far from a perfect family. I was abused by a "family friend" as a child and still bear the scars emotionally, I survived a 12 year marriage to a drunk and abusive husband, & now being bedridden with a bad back I get snippy and short tempered, then I cry buckets...
My  "Life" "Love" & "Heart" in 2006 ~ Ninilchik, Alaska

BUT at the end of each day when each one of my "Babies" wrap their precious arms around me and kiss me good night and tell me they love me and are praying for me...I take it all and put it back in my Savior's Hands where I placed it the day I gave each of them back to Him. They aren't really mine, I just get the Joy and Privilege of teaching them and watching them grow into what God would have them be!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

"Kids" Movies???

Just a thought ~ James rented the movie "Brave" the other night for us to watch with the kids. Here's a shock...I DIDN'T LIKE IT!! Now before I get 27 posts on why I'm wrong let me give my reasons.
There were some pluses to the movie ~ I will give them that! A fiery red headed girl who is a bit of a klutz growing up and can't seem to get anything right. She loves the out doors and horses and knows how to use tools and weapons...all good!
Now the not so good...she (And almost every other child & teen character played for kids in movies now) is beyond rebellious, she throws fits with no consequences from either parent other than a "scolding" by Mom and a laugh and hug by Dad!
Then when she rebels big time they are SHOCKED!!?? Even my youngest child, less than 10 min. into the movie said, "She should be spanked for talking back like that, huh!?!"
And that happens all the time in movies! My kids rarely watch a movie without THEM telling us what the Kids or parents are doing wrong in raising their kids! How disrespectful and rebellious the kids are and wimpy the parents are. If kids can see it...why can't adults?
Number 2. Magic ~ does every cartoon made have to have SOME kind of Magic, spell, witch, warlock, potion, book of spells or magic, fairies in them? Even the animal ones have hocus-pocus type stuff in them, some scary guy they have to go to who "sees" their future or past or makes swirling green smoke and poofs with red lights....It's animals and it is supposed to be funny!!
OK>>>sorry for the rant but I have been stuck at home for four years straight and we don't have cable so I can watch cooking and crafts and there are only SO MANY books I can read in a day (Two is my limit then my brain is fried). So James and the kids often borrow or rent movies for us to watch as a family during supper since I can't sit at the table and I just had to "Let 'er out"! No one needs to respond. This is just a rhetorical question more towards the movie makers than anything. I just needed to type.

Sunday, November 25, 2012


Today I am thankful for forgiveness. God's forgiveness is unending and that is a priceless treasure! Today I realized that I had to show God's forgiveness through me towards someone who had wronged, hurt and devastated me through hurting those I love. I thought I could just move on and "Let it go" because the ones who were hurt had forgiven but I realized I had allowed myself to become bitter and hate filled toward this person myself while expecting the others to do right. (Humans are weird aren't we? We can far easier forgive a wrong to us than to someone we love!) So I had to pray, set aside my pride and simply tell this person. "I forgive you." Not if you admit you did wrong, not if you are sorry, not anything from them...for me and my relationship with God, Just like He forgave me when I was unworthy... I forgave. I never heard a word from this person by my heart is light and my mind is free between my Savior and me! Thank God for Forgiveness!!!

Saturday, November 3, 2012


Nov.3~ Every November 3rd (and all the rest of the year!), I am so very thankful for my Dad! I'm thankful he loves, trusts and preaches God & the Bible! I'm thankful that in love he raised us strict but secure! I am so thankful for the way he loves and treasures my Mom! And I am so very thankful that we didn't loose him when he lost 1/2 his heart!!
Happy Birthday Dad!! I love you and am so thankful God gave me to you!
 — at Pontiac, Michigan.

Dad and I in 1969. He was in Bible College in Pontiac, Michigan.
This was almost 44 years ago!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Thanksgiving ~ Nov. 2nd

Today I am thankful for FRIENDS! I have friends from childhood who have stuck with me through the years, I have friends from teens and young adult who have seen me through good times and bad, former students who have grown into dear and treasured friends and I have new friends who are just getting to know me. 

Each one is always there JUST at the right moment when I need them the most! I only hope and pray they can say the same about me! LIFE WOULD BE SOOOO BORING WITHOUT FRIENDS!!!

MY LAST MAJOR HIKING TRIP! Back row: Leah (Howell) Abraham, Kaylena (Brown) Cinereski, Pastor's Wife Wanda Boutwell, Jessie Sutton Ruffridge, Holli Boutwell Watkins, Linda Martin Ruffridge, Missy Foust, Angela (Dioguardi) D'Amelio, Middle: Cassie (Sutton) Wood, & Pastor Rays Sister Jean, Front: Audrey Noel Grant, Pat Jaskowiak Dioguardi, & Deloma Howell. (The ladies who's last names are in parentheses have all gotten married since this was taken!)

Thanksgiving ~ November 2012

Today I am thankful for my Husband of almost 15 years! He has been the greatest and most loving, giving person in my life! He has not only stood by me, he has adored, encouraged and LOVED me at my worst, scariest, sickest, ugliest, and frightening moments and treats me like I am a Queen and treasure! I would not have survived the last 13 years without him! I love you James Davis Grant!!

The Laugh I fell in love with, that most people don't ever see!
He's such a quiet man that most don't realize how funny he is!
He is the Joy of my Heart!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Family Vacation Time ~ Camping in the Rain

My husband is on vacation this week. We are going to try to take the kids camping for a week in spite of the rain and forecast of rain for the rest of the week. Not easy on this poor old aching body but a must for our children and our family!! I will miss posting, but never worry, I will still be reading as always!! And when I get back I will catch up all my posts up!! Don't leave or forget me!!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

A Mother's Pain

I have sat up all night praying and crying and praying some more for some friends who are going through one of the worst nightmares a parent has. They are at the hospital with their tiny infant son who is very, very ill. The words heart, surgery, EKG...these words said when talking about your 1 month old are terrifying to parents.
When I heard it bothered me and I started praying for them right away, but I couldn't let it go and go to sleep. It just kept pressing on me. So I kept praying. Praying for God to heal this little body but also for God to be with this terrified Mother.
A couple of hours ago my husband woke up and came to find me and see if I was ok. I started to tell him the latest update and broke down in tears. I could hardly talk! It was like I was there with her feeling her pain and fear.
I told my husband this and we realized for the first time that I had never dealt with the time we had gone through a horrible health scare with our youngest when he was 10 days old and he actually died in the hospital bed next to me!
We had been at the hospital for two days and I had been up with him for three days straight. They could not figure out what was wrong but knew he was very sick so had him hooked to all the monitors. At about 1:30am the nurses finally talked my husband into going home to shower, check on our other two kids we hadn't seen in two days and get a few hours sleep. And convinced me to lay on the bed with Andrew beside me so that if anything went wrong I would be right there.
I went out in about one min. flat, twenty min. later I woke up and there were alarms going off, all the lights were on, there were three nurses and two Dr's working on my baby who was laying beside me NOT BREATHING and I was sound asleep!!!
They finally got him to take a breath and start breathing again after what seemed an eternity to me! I about lost my mind! I have never been so scared in my life! I called James and he had just gotten out of the shower and laid on the bed when the phone rang...he rushed back to the hospital!
Within a few hours they had a helicopter down here and Andrew and I were on our way to the NICU in Anchorage where they finally figured out he had Pneumonia, a urinary tract infection & a broken clavicle from when he was born that had never been found! His poor little body was full of infection!! It took a week in the hospital and the pneumonia effected his lungs so bad that he would just stop breathing! So he had to wear a heart and breathing monitor for about 3 months. Poor little guy, he was so pitiful with all the straps and wires attached to him and this huge box we had to carry around that set off a horrid alarm!
For about 5 months, even after the monitor said he was ok and we turned it in, we took turns sleeping and one of us was awake to watch him sleep at all times because we were so afraid of loosing him!
But I realized tonight that we were so busy with an 18 month old, a 6 yr old, a new born, my cancer & hysterectomy....etc, that I was too busy to ever fully stop and realize how very close I came that night to loosing the son that I had just spent nine months risking my very life to give birth to!
And tonight it hit me that we could have not had the last 10 years with our treasured son. If we had been home when he stopped breathing or many ifs. BUT God had a bigger and better plan and I am so very thankful for that gift (the second time) of my Baby Boy's life!!

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Aud One in AK: Camping Food!!

Aud One in AK: Camping Food!!

In answer to:

Camping Food!!

Not a burrito but we went camping with friends a few years ago and they had breakfast planned. They had pre-split "Australia" biscuits (a softer version of an English muffin but we use English muffins when we do them) in a bag and ready to go. In another bag they had pre-scrambled three kinds of sausage (regular, hot and Italian) and then cooled and frozen it in a Ziploc in the cooler. Also in the cooler was a Ziploc of frozen cheese (cheddar, mozzarella and american). So we throw three bags of frozen items (bread, precooked sausage, and a mix of shredded and chunk ed cheese) in the cooler and off we go. The next morning they pull out a flat cookie sheet and a big pot and set them on the coals of the fire. He dumps the sausage in the pot and it starts heating up pretty quick. It is thawed and precooked so all we are looking for is HOT. Meanwhile, his wife tosses the split muffin halves on the flat pan and lets them start dry toasting and heating up. When the sausage is hot. He dumped the bag of cheese in the pan with it and pulled it back away from the hottest part of the fire. She flipped the lovely muffins over to toast on the other side, while he stirred in the cheese. Two min. later they said, "It's done!" And started scooping sausage and cheese on a muffin and putting a top on it, and passing them around! I thought it was going to be a huge mess!
But the Cheddar gave it tang, the Mozzarella made it string and stick together so it didn't fall out of the bun and the american added a wonderful creaminess to it! There were 5 couples on the trip, 10 adults and we all loved it and ate our fill! It has become a MUST have for at least 1 breakfast every year for our family weekly camping trip here in Alaska! This year I have added your burritos for morning #2!!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mathew Aaron ~ 17

Happy 17th birthday to Mathew!! It is so very hard to believe how the years have flown by! I can't imagine that it has been 17 years since that night I gave birth to the "Son of my Heart" I had prayed for for so very long! He is such a treasure and a blessing to me! But he is growing up WAY too fast and I see the day approaching when he will be gone and on his own in this big old world and I'M NOT READY!
I can't tell him that, I have to help, teach and let him become the man he is meant to be. Oh, but my heart is bleeding watching him grow up and knowing my time is growing shorter and shorter that he will still be "mine".
Seventeen years goes by too fast! I'm selfish and want more time! I didn't know that I would start missing him long before he even left! But every time he talks about what he wants to do and where he wants to go after he heart breaks a little more.
Happy Birthday my Darling Son! May we enjoy your last year of High School more than all the others put together!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Last night and today are a turn around for our family! The kids have spent the last 3 years taking care of me. But last night Andrew got the fastest cold I have ever seen! He was fine and 10 min. later his throat and nose was burning, he was running a fever, he had no voice, eyes and nose running, coughing... miserable! I gave him medicine and put him to bed where he slept for an hour or so and woke up even worse. So I was up all night with him. Pushing fluids, herbal teas, vitamins, giving vapor rub foot rubs...At 7:30am Mathew staggers in and same symptoms, with a whisper of a voice, my "Not even an Aspirin" boy said, "Mom, do you have ANYTHING I can take? I am sooo sick!" Herb tea was already made and I started the night over again with sick child/man #2. I hate that they are sick with every fiber of my being! BUT, I must admit that as painful and exhausting as it is...I am thankful for a chance to do for my kids a small portion of what they have done for me! The last three years have been so very hard on our family in so very many ways because of my health. It has changed the dynamics of our day to day life. It has been, and still is a very humiliating and humbling place to be, having to watch your family do what you should and WANT to do so very bad, on top of their own day to day busy lives.
It takes away all shreds of pride to be totally dependent on others for the very food, drink, socks, pillow, shower, hair-washing, etc. of simple day to day life that we all take for granted.
It is an experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and yet I still have such joy and peace in God! And such love and giving from my family! I hate that it has been so very hard on my husband and kids. This is the very last thing I would have imagined or wished for my family. "I" had other plans for what I was going to do with my kids during these few precious years before they are grown and gone. But for some reason. God has a better and different plan. I don't understand it, my husband doesn't understand it. My children for sure don't understand it! And while they love me, care for me and give to me with their whole hearts...understandably, sometimes they resent carrying such a heavy load and being "stuck" with doing all of my work plus theirs and having to babysit Mom all the time.
But they have done it with such sweet spirits for so very long! I am just thankful that God has given me the strength last night and today to give a tiny portion back in return and once again feel like "Momma" again instead of a helpless patient.
Now, I just pray my "babies" get well SOON!! I hate seeing them suffer!

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Night Time Ramblings

It is weird, because we haven't even been around each other, but I love Janet so much, I feel like Dailee is my niece also and so I am as excited when big things happen in her life as when they happen in Janet's or my Brother and Sister's kids lives. I'm kinda weird that way I guess. That's why my ex-mother-in-law is still my best friend 14 years later! Tonight I feel like my Granny, who sat up in KY by her self, way into the night waiting for me to call and tell her that my baby that we had prayed for for 7 years had finally arrived! It was wee hours of the morning when I called and she was sitting there waiting, wanted every little detail about him and cried when I told her that it was a boy and his name was Mathew! .....Wow! I am way to nostalgic tonight!! Can you tell that everything is hitting me at once? Today (11th) was my brothers 45th birthday and we had a wonderful conversation. I'm watching my kids grow up too fast! My oldest son went on his own (long story why) and picked out, got the money from Dad, bargained with the lady, and bought our family a car today!! He is playing music in a Senior recital tomorrow night that he didn't "think" to tell us about, because it is "no big deal". My sister is getting married in Oct.!! I thought we were all going, but now...(see new car above) who knows, it may just be me going to TX. I'm so old my wrinkles have warts and my grey hair is turning silver! I asked a photo aging program to age my picture to show me what I would look like when I was 70 and it said it didn't do reverse aging! LOL See, this is what I do when I can't sleep. I write nonsense until I can start laughing at myself or I fall asleep. It's not griping or complaining, it is just the way my brain works. I type one sentence and a word in that one makes me think of something else and so I type that...and on it goes. No rhyme or reason, just me having a conversation with myself! SCARY!! Now when my Mom and/or my Sisters are around, we do this with and for each other...only we don't have to actually finish the whole sentence because we all already know what the others are thinking and talking about. And it makes my Dad CRAZY!!! It has for years! He gets so frustrated. "Why didn't you finish?" I never know what you are saying, because one will start a sentence and another will nod and say I know and take off another direction then before they finish someone else jumps in, and just when I think I'm going to hear a full sentence you all jump to the END of a different one and you all yell it together!! No one can follow that! I don't think you all have a clue what you are talking about! You are just doing that on purpose to make me nuts!"
Wow! I am looking at this book I have written and think I will copy and post it to my Blog instead as an Aud Rambling...this is just too much for Facebook! Night!

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Loosin' It!

Pounds that is!!
108lbs 18yrs old
It has been, and still is a very slow process (three years and counting!). But as of this morning I am VERY proud to say that I have now lost 75lbs!! Yeah!!! I still have a long way to go to reach my goal but I am so very happy! This has been an unexpected and very hard battle that has lasted my entire adult life!
Why unexpected? I was always SKINNY!! Tall and skinny, no other word for it. At 18 years of age on my wedding day I was 5ft 10 and weighed 108lbs. And I had been trying for months to gain weight to "fill out" my wedding dress that my mom was threatening to stuff! LOL  A size 2 fit but was way too short so we had to buy a much bigger one and have it remade so I would have the length.

BUT...there is always a but isn't there? I was only 18 and our parents advised that we wait a couple of years to have kids. So off to the Dr. for birth control pills. No warnings of possible side effects. Just take these and come see me in six months and I'll give you a renewal on your subscription. Three months later, my hair was falling out by the handfuls, and I was up almost 60 lbs!! We called the Dr. and he calmly said that it was probably the pills that they had bad side effects on some women and I should quit taking them right away. But that I should know that with that strong of a reaction, it had been known to take 7 years to clear all of the effects out of the system!!! We were furious! As you can imagine.

My husband was very unhappy with the extra weight, as was I, but no matter what I did, I couldn't loose weight. In fact between the stress over the weight, my hair loss (I ended up with a boyish haircut), and our bickering. I became so depressed I turned to food for comfort. Which had never been a problem before, but now....I kept gaining. By the end of our first year I went from 108 to 180lbs. I was now 19yrs old and hated myself!

The next years were a yo-yo of 10 to 20 lbs up and down. I would get pregnant and happy, loose weight. Miscarry and gain it back plus more. We would fight about it and I would gain a few more. (Not because I wanted to but because I was so upset and didn't know what to do to fix my life.)

Me at 160
After 7 years we were separated and I had finally lost some weight and was down to a semi-respectable 160 (after 6 years over 200 that was good for me!!) and he tried to reconcile our marriage again. It lasted a week. Three months later, I realized I was pregnant again. This time God answered my prayers and I had a big strong healthy baby boy!! I even lost weight through most of the pregnancy because of surgery (gall bladder) and came out of the hospital weighing 1lb less than I was before I got pregnant 159!!

That didn't last completely. As the next three years of single Mom and Divorce rolled by I did some more yo-yo-ing. But kept it somewhat within reason for the most part. Until God brought another man in my life and I got SCARED!!!

I had decided (without asking God of course) that I was done with men forever. I was never falling in love again. Never trusting another man. NEVER getting married!! PERIOD! But my room mate, who was a family friend from when we first moved to Alaska my senior year of high school. Had an older brother. Five in fact...but one of them I had had a crush on when I was in high school and he had never married. He and the other "Boys" started coming over and having game night at our place once in a while instead of always at their place. My son who was 3 LOVED it! And it broke up the long weeks plus they brought supper which helped stretch our budget which was really tight!

Short story day I came home from work and there was a NEW washing machine sitting in my living room floor! James (THE brother) had found out that we didn't have a washing machine and that I was coming home from work and was washing all of our clothes by hand in the bathtub after cooking supper, because we couldn't afford to take them to the laundromat. That night when he came over and I said something about him getting his sister (who has a bad back) a washing machine he looked me in the eye and said,"This isn't for her. This is for you!" I knew then looking in those big gentle green eyes that I was in real trouble!
This was me (second from left) the first time James met me 13yrs earlier.
Now I was over TWICE that big!
Understand my fear?

That was in Sept. '98. By October we were engaged and Feb. of '99 we were married! YIKES!! Now what does that have to do with my weight saga? I got SCARED when I realized that he was interested in me and I went back to my comfort for a while. Food. I still don't know if I was testing him to see if I got really big if he would take off and that way know ahead of time or if it was just my nervousness. But once again I ballooned up. By the time we were married in Feb. of 1999 I was 218lb. That is HORRIBLE!!!!

8 Months Pregnant with Joanna.
She was born 2 weeks later.
But he still loved me, adored me and treasured me as I was. I soon had another miscarriage which added more weight. Then I got pregnant and spent the whole pregnancy on bed rest with Toxemia and Blood Pressure through the roof. 6weeks early we had our beautiful baby girl!!

Then they found Cervical Cancer~tests - emergency surgery ~ recovery of more bed rest....
3 month checkup from Cancer (We have been told I will never be able to have any more children because of the surgery they preformed. I can no longer get pregnant.) TADA!! You are pregnant!!

BUT you won't be able to carry the baby, you have no cervix....Let's do an ultra sound. UMMM sorry to tell you this. You also have Ovarian Cancer on your right ovary. So go home. Go to bed. Come back in 2 weeks and we will redo the ultra sound and check the baby and cancer. This went on till the baby was 4 months along. The specialists were all amazed that the baby was still alive and that the cancer hadn't killed the baby or I or both. It was very aggressive and was outgrowing the baby. It had now surrounded the ovary and was taking over the baby's space so they were out of time and options so back to surgery I went.

This time, they removed my right ovary and the cancer with the baby right there in it's protective little sack that God had made for it. Then wait and see if that causes labor. Nope. Good. Home to bed. See you in two weeks. This went on the whole pregnancy. By the time the baby was viable they had a helicopter on standby to medivac me to Anchorage the whole rest of the pregnancy because they could not see any way that I could possibly carry the baby to term!! My water broke on my due date and my son was born (all 10lb 14oz of him) natural the next afternoon!

But I wasn't done with my drama's yet! They sent us home (10 days later the baby was back in NICU with pneumonia, urinary tract infection and they found out that he had broken his clavicle when he was delivered!)  to wait until my six weeks and then checked me back into the hospital for what they called a Radical Hysterectomy. I nursed my new baby, handed him to my husband, the anesthesiologist put the shot in my IV and I woke up with my stomach split end to end and in full blown menopause!

By the way, I can't take hormone replacements because of four reasons. One the Cervical cancer I had was the same gene (or genetic make up) as breast cancer. Upping my chances of getting Breast Cancer to about 87%. Two, breast cancer runs in my Mom's side of the family as does Thyroid cancer, both huge indicators. And I already have a very sluggish almost non working thyroid that I have to take meds for another 2 strikes. Those two strikes would normally put me in the 80 to 90% range. And number Three I have already had every Female cancer there is to have except Breast so that ups my chances about 75% and Finally the one every one already knows about hormone replacements have been proven to increase your risk of Breast cancer! LOL So when my Dr.s, my Husband and I looked at the we all laughed and said that's like almost 300% chance...don't think we will add to it with hormones. So I went cold turkey from hormonal breastfeeding new mom to VERY hormonal menopausal new mom with no milk to feed new baby and baby blues, hot flashes, night sweats the whole salami!!

But we made it through! Needless to say with two years (two babies and two cancers and a hysterectomy) of bed rest I had packed on some more weight and now topped out at around 250 to 260 depending on if I was dieting or gaining it back. I hated it but with a hormone-less body, depression, menopause, two little ones and a big one who thought he was the third parent in the family! :)  Life was busy, crazy and overwhelming!

At my Foundation Job
We spent two years in KY. and I tried to loose wt. there but it wasn't till the very end that I lost a few lbs. but I was healthier than I had been in a long time. Stronger. When we moved back to Alaska I jumped in with both feet and hit the ground running as usual. (Not literally) I worked at the church office, I helped a long time friend in the Child Care field start a Foundation for training and education of Parents and Child Care Givers. I was walking with my kids, sometimes up to 6 miles a day. Hiking in my beautiful Alaskan Mountains with my friends! I lost a few lbs but not many. But I tightened up and built a lot of muscle.

Then it all came crashing down. I have had a bad back for years. (too long to explain) But suffice it to say, I was hiking a two day, over night hike with some friends around Crescent Lake and on the second day, I took a head over heels tumble with my pack on. I didn't go very far down the incline. But when you are walking a trail on the side of a mountain and it is rock mixed in with brush and briers it can do some damage.
Hiking Crescent Lake - Day 1
That was fall one of the year. I didn't finish the hike and took a medi flight off the lake. Early that winter our car got stuck and I was trying to help push it and hit a patch of ice and fell backwards hitting my head and right shoulder on the ice. Knocking me out cold.
This started the migraines. One after another. They were coming so fast I wasn't getting a break in between. Sometimes as little as 8 hrs before another one hit. All of this made me dizzy and disoriented all the time but I tried to keep pushing through. Then I was so dizzy I slipped and fell out of the shower and hit my head again.
By now I was on Pain pills and got sent home from my volunteer job at the Church. I was missing so much anyway that they needed someone they could depend on but I couldn't see that at the time. To me, it was just more of my world falling apart! Then I had to quit the foundation because I couldn't keep up with that either. And slowly my whole world collapsed around me until it became Dr. visits, surgeries, bed and a recliner.
That was three years ago. I have had too many "procedures" and surgeries to's depressing to do so. Swallowed truck loads of pills. And am still in my recliner and bed. The headaches aren't as bad nor near as many since this last neck surgery. Praise God!!

286lbs at my largest. The only pict.
I can find.
I hid from Cameras.
But the real subject we are talking about, my weight....When I was first sent home to bed rest from work. The depression was horrible! I cried and ate! I reached my biggest ever. I am not proud of that, but it is a fact. I reached 286lb. When I climbed on the scale at the Dr. and saw that I couldn't believe my eyes! I was 180 lbs bigger than when I got married at 18!! I was the whole person (180lbs that he had said was too big) Bigger!!! Now there were some numbers to wake me up! I was a skinny and a fat person BOTH in one body!! Not two skinny people. One of each!
That day I started (very slowly) loosing weight. I drink water. I HATE WATER!! But I make myself drink a glass of water after every thing I drink. If I drink coffee...water. A Diet Coke....water. It's not a huge change, but for me it was. I had gone years without water because I didn't like it. Now I have learned to kind of enjoy it with some lemon in it.
Bed Ridden but not done!
I also decide if I am hungry before I eat. Even if I want it. I make myself look at it and think. Am I really hungry or do I just want it because it looks, smells or tastes good? If I'm not hungry I send it back and ask them to save it for me for later when I am hungry. (Cause I can't get up and do it myself yet)  I ask for a double serving of veggies and 1/2 the meat and 1/2 the starch. When my plate is brought to me. I eat all my Veggies first. Then my meat for the protein and iron. Then I wait a few min. and think about if I am still hungry and need the starch. If not. I send it back.
This is not an every day thing. I eat chocolate sometimes, just not the whole bar. I LOVE egg sandwiches!! I just try not to have them very often. If I really want something BAD. I eat it and I don't beat myself up over it, because the rest of the time I am eating good and right. And that keeps me from constantly craving stuff that would make me bigger and bigger.
Sooooo Now we come to March of 2012. I got on the scale this morning and I weighed (DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!) 211 lbs!!!! I have now lost 75lbs and going down!!

That's my story! SO FAR.....

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Hardcover Feedback

I'm not sure how these sites get started. But I found Hardcover Feedback tonight and she has a wonderful site with some unbelievable giveaways going on! Wow! I would be thrilled to win one of the books listed. Who am I kidding? I dream of one day being asked by authors to read their books and give my opinion. Not that my opinion matters to anyone but me. But I have to feed my addiction somehow!
I am so thankful for the day I found Goodreads and it has allowed me to stumble on wonderful sites like this one full of information about new Christian books and when they are coming out! So check out or click on the button at the side of the page! You will be so glad you did!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Finally Linked

As you can see above I finally got something done that I have wanted to do for a very long time. I linked all of my Blogs!! I'm so happy! No more hunt and search. Now you can just click from one to the other and back again. I am now all in one place. Now to keep up with my Blogging! YIKES!! My to post on at least one of the four pages each week if not more. We shall see how it goes. I had thought about adding a Book blog but that is on hold for now and maybe for good, as a friend of mine is starting a Christian Blog for Women and has mentioned possibly having me write a  few pieces about books for her and I don't want to be redundant. So we will see how that pans out. For now. Try the links and see if there are any bugs in the way I have linked them and let me know if there are any problems so I can try to fix them. Thank You, Audrey