Am I a Fake???

So, tonight I found out that the word is out that I am faking! I am a Lazy Fraud! A no good Mother who just wants to lay in bed all day, not do housework, take care of my family, play with my children, love my husband, work the two ministries I had to give up and pay my bills!

I guess everyone except James and the kids and I knew that I am addicted to the computer and so I just quit life so I could sit here and spend my life on the computer. All my migraines were faked, the neck surgery must have been unnecessary…? And my upcoming appointment with the specialist for my hip, that must be pretend also.

I’m not sure how I managed to fool all the x-ray machines, nerve test machines, MRI’s and all the other copies of tests that I have sitting here by my chair in this HUGE folder from the last few years.

Hey, maybe I even faked cancer both times and conned the Dr’s into all those surgeries and tests also!! And maybe I just stretched the facts and exaggerated and Mathew was only 8lb 13oz. like the Dr. claimed he was going to be instead of the 10.5 the scale said!

And Maybe Andrew didn’t really weigh 10.14, I bet I followed them to the nursery and put my thumb on the scale!!

Are people NUTS!?!?! Do they really believe that after all I’ve been thru in my life that I haven’t had enough pain and stress to last a lifetime??? These are years to treasure with my kids and my husband!

In the last two years I’ve missed all of my son’s Basketball games, I’ve missed family birthday parties and get togethers’. I’ve missed Christmas and school programs. Patch the Pirate plays, going to the beach and walking and hiking with my kids and friends. I’ve missed too many dates with my husband to even count.

I’ve stood the humiliation of having to have other people wash my hair, while I stood and cried from the pain of bending, because I couldn’t even raise my right arm. I’ve had to be bathed and dressed by my husband at times.

I’ve gone weeks and even months without seeing any of my friends or family other than my brother-in-laws. And I thought that all this time friends and family were praying for me, but more importantly to me, praying for and encouraging my husband and children who have stood by me and loved and helped and encouraged me thru this whole thing. Rejoicing with each step we take forward and telling me time and again that they love me and are praying for me! They make sure they each come and spend some one on one time with me and we have even closer relationships than before this all happened!

But tonight my Dear Tower of Strength. My Best Friend, My Love, My Husband, My James came home a broken and sad man. He didn’t want to talk. But we don’t keep secrets from each other. So with tears in his eyes he told me what he had found out today. That people we love and trust. Some family, some friends, some people we look up to, have been talking about me and James.

They are saying that I am faking and “milking” it. That I am not as bad as I say I am. That I am mistreating my kids by making them help James clean the house. I know that sometimes when some people see me I am smiling and laughing. But you all need to realize the effort and the amount of medication it takes to get me to a point where I can be like that for a little while and then the actual DAYS it takes to recover. Plus, if you have known me for very long at all you know if I have a choice of laugh or cry, I will laugh until I am alone. I hide my pain as much as possible from everyone.

As far as James goes. Everyone can get their mouths off of my Husband right now! He is the miracle God put in my life and I won’t have anyone talk bad about him, PERIOD!! He is a wonderful, strong, Christian man who loves God, his wife, his kids, his family. (In that order).

James surrendered to do WHATEVER God wanted him to do over 7 years ago. That does not mean that if he isn’t a missionary or working full time in a church, he’s not in God’s will. It took him a while to figure out that it isn’t about what God had him doing, it was being willing to do whatever God wanted him to do!

And right now God has him reaching old and sick people in their homes, one on one, each and every day. We are praising God that He just gave James a new client to take care of so he is now back at full time!! James made a comment to someone when I was going back and forth to a lot of Drs Appointments and surgery that he was thankful that God hadn’t re-increased his hours yet because it let him be with me during that time. Well, it was taken out of context and turned into a rumor that James didn’t want to work full time and he was thankful he only had 20 hrs a week. Truth be told he had been begging for more hours and clients for MONTHS! He just said that in a moment of worry about me when I was having neck surgery and he was glad he could be there with me.

As far as our back bills, it is hard to keep a family of 5 (6 for now) going on 20 hours a week. But we have never NOT paid our bills. And we do NOT feel like it is anyone’s place to discuss what we owe with anyone other than us. Even if they are family. We pay every dime we can as it comes in and then drop lump sums on what is owing when our dividends and income taxes come in. Just like everyone else we know. We do not have credit cards. We do not have a car payment and our house is almost ½ paid for. So we are not careless and reckless with our money.

The school bill that EVERYONE seems to be talking about behind our backs (which is supposed to be private, by the way). I was working at the church as payment for that bill. That is how our children could afford to go. But I got bad and got sent home because I could no longer do the job. So we ended up with a bill owing. That is why we homeschooled this year. We refused to rack up a bigger bill we could not pay. And we just paid on it each time we got money. So we are not cheating the Church and School and we are paying our bills!

So from now on if you have anything to say about me…have the guts to say it to my face!!! Or email, face book, letter, phone call. Whatever your pleasure is! I CAN TAKE IT!!! But leave my husband alone!! He has carried the weight of his and my world on his broad shoulders the past years and he doesn’t need to hear anyone badmouthing me. If you have something to say to or about me. You know where I am…Because IF there is a next time, expect me at your doors. Even if I have to borrow a wheelchair.

My family and I are doing GOOD! All three of my kids can do laundry, clean a bathroom, vacuum a floor, sweep and mop, Mathew and Joanna are GOOD cooks and Andrew is learning fast, they all make GREAT Coffee! BUT they also go camping, spend the night at friends, go swimming, have cookouts, go bike riding, walk the dog, have and obstacle course they built themselves in the back yard the do two or three times a day. They read, draw, color, paint, build, go shooting, bow hunting, fishing, drive bumper cars, and many other things. They have full and fun lives! So don’t pity us, we are a happy family!

Audrey Lynn Grant

Monday, June 27, 2011

11:57 PM

Health Update

Feeling better, but not...confusing. My pain level in my neck is much better since the surgery and is healing well but the Dr is upset that I am doing too much too fast. It isn't normal to have over 1/2 the discs in your neck replaced at one time and so he wants at minimum 6months to a year for it to all heal and get strong. (one or two is usual but not 4). Plus with my back and hip I toss and turn so much at night that I'm not keeping it still enough. So now I am on a pill that makes me sleep HARD at night so I don't turn over more than once or twice, but that means I don't hear the phone, the kids, James leaving for work or anything until the pill wears off and then I'm so stiff from laying in one position for so long I can't even get up until someone brings me more pain pills and a drink and I wait for them to kick in! LOL kind of a weird circle!! But at least the migraines are down to only one every couple of weeks and they are not NEAR as severe!! Thank the Lord!! And The constant neck pain has gone from a 8-10 with pills to a 2-3 with pills!!! I am so thankful!

The next step is another specialist in July for my hip. We will see if they can get me some relief so I can stand and walk again. The back (scoliosis, osteoporosis, arthritis and spurs) are right next to the heart and so they won't work on that area and said I will just have to live with it. As with the fibromialgia. But if I can get rid of the headaches so I can think halfway straight again and get my hip fixed so I can stand, walk and sit without agony I will be THRILLED!!

Thank you all each and everyone who has walked this journey with me. You've listened to my pain, prayed for me, visited, encouraged and been here even when HERE was my bed and recliner. Thank you my friends and family. I continue my journey with more hope in my heart every day!

True Friendship!

1. When you are sad,I will jump on the personwho made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!! 
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in. 
4. When you're scared, we will high tail it out of there. 
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big sissy!!!! 
6. When you are confused, I will use little words so you can understand. 
7. When you are sick, Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.... 
8. When you fall,I'll pick you up and dust you off-- After I laugh!!! 
9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; -- because you are my FRIEND! 
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth..**********************


Sent to me by Lauralee!!

Slowly But Surely

Well, I'm two months out (almost) from my surgery and things are getting better! I now have days where I feel pretty good most of the day! I still can't get up and DO because of my hip and thoracic (mid back) but if I don't do too much in one day I do pretty good! I have been able to help Joanna do a couple of craft projects for her room and helped Andrew clean his room by sitting in the floor and giving directions.
It's not much but it is more than what I have done in for so long it feels wonderful!
The next step for me is seeing another specialist for damaged nerves, the middle of July. I have to go and find out for sure if the nerves leading from my spine to my hip on the right side are permanently damaged and need to be deadened with series of shots so I can't feel them or if it is another problem. The last Dr. thinks I might have permenatley tore some of the nerves when I was pregnant with and delivering Andrew (at almost 11lbs).
But each Dr. seems to say something different on my hip so we shall see... As far as my mid back goes, every Dr I have talked to agrees that there are some pinched nerves from the scoliosis and osteoporosis and I have some bone degeneration and spurs on the vertebrae but that it would be more dangerous to do surgery than to deal with the symptoms. So every one of them have told me that I will just have to live with it and take meds for the spasms and get the best quality of life I can with that and the fibromialgia. I can't take any fibro. meds because they interact with my other meds so I just will have bad days but at least I won't be bed ridden for the rest of my life!!! So things are getting better, slowly but surely!!