Peices of Me

Some may wonder why I write such personal things on my blog. Why I'm so honest about my past, my health, my failings as a wife, mother and even my struggles as a Christian. I do not ever wish to offend or hurt anyone with anything I write or say in my life. But I have had the desire to write since I was very young. I have tried to write in several different formats over the years but they were never right for me. A frustrated writer is a bad thing indeed!

I have always felt like everything that God allows me to go thru in my life teaches me something, prepares me for something and/or eventually allows me to help others with my experiance. But if I keep my mouth shut from shame or embarassement or shyness, I am helping no one, not even myself.

And sometimes things bottle up inside of me till I feel I will just bust if they don't come out! I HAVE to write them down. Even if no one ever reads this Blog it is where I feel I can write what is in my heart and God will send who He wants to read it, if and when the time is right.

So sometimes I go days and even weeks without writing anything and then sometimes I write three or four days in a row.

So if I am talking about my children, my ex-husband, my health, my love of Alaska, being raised a PK/MK...whatever God has put on my heart that I am impressed to write. That I write...It is not written to, for or against anyone. It is just ME. Who and what I am, ungaurded and honest. Audrey Lynn (Noel, Boyd) Grant. All I have been, all I have lived, everywhere I have been, everything I have seen and experienced in life has made me who I am today. And most of all I am thankful to be God's redeemed Child! For without Him, I am nothing!

Aud

My Children

Mathew~the Son of my Heart:

I prayed for a baby for seven years. My heart longed for a child. I had three miscarriages during this period of time, and still I waited and prayed. Family, friends and my church faithfully prayed with me and in GOD's time, He gave me a perfect and beautiful son! Mathew Aaron weighed 10lb. 5oz. and I fell in love at first sight! I immediately called him "Son of My Heart" because unforseen by me I was left to raise him on my own. I thought in my human wisdom that I would never have any more children and that it would just be Mathew and I. He was mine...

Joanna~ the Daughter of my Love:

When Mathew was three God tenderly healed my heart and gave Mathew and I too a wonderful man whom I had known as a faithful and trusted friend for 13 years! He loved us and we loved him! Knowing that it took so very long for me to have Mathew we knew that at my age we might never have another child. So we agreed to leave it in God's hands and be happy and thankful with our son, Mathew. I got pregnant right away and had a miscarriage (bringing my total now to 5) But then I immediatly got pregnant again and was put an full bedrest. Seven months later our only girl, our "tiny mite", our early bird, Joanna Irene Tamar arrived weighing in at 6lb. even!!! The daughter of my love!!God gave her to us a little over a year after we were married!

Andrew~ Son of my Life:

After Joanna was born we were on cloud nine!!! For about six weeks...then I went in for my check up and got a call that my labs came back "abnormal". So I had antibiotics for 10 days then went in for a second set of tests. We were told not to worry that they would call in about 10 days to 2 weeks. Two days later the Dr. called and asked me to sit down. She said that my lab test had cancer cells in it and that they had already schedualed me an appointment in Anch. for a biopsy. I was to be up there the next day! We were scared to death!!! I had the biopsy, same thing, it had to be sent off to a special lab out of state and would take at least 7 days to get results. Try not to worry. Two days later...the call. The lab had seen my biopsy and had CALLED them instead of sending back the report as usual! They had calld and said Who ever this Audrey Grant is get her to a specialist NOW! This is the cervical cancer that developes in the glands not on the surface like normal. It is very rare and has a very low survival rate! So, back to Anch. to the surgeon.

He had to remove my cervix. He explained to us that he had been in this field for 30 years and had only seen 6 other women with the type that I had and that they ALL had died. But that he couldn't understand how mine had been found so soon. He had never seen or heard of one that had been found before it was through the whole system and that is why they died. He said cervical cancer cells of this kind just do NOT show up on a pap...period!!! James told him that when God is in control and has other plans they do! So he told us that we needed to realize that with the "proceedure" that he had just done removing the cervix. that I would be unable to ever get pregant again so we needed to know that. And if we wanted more children we would need to adopt. James told him we were thankful for what God had given us! And we went on our way praising God..

At my next follow up for the cancer they told me everything was fine as far as the cancer went but that there was a slight problem...I was pregant! James asked the Dr. "How did that happen?!?!" The Dr. looked at him like he was crazy! So James told him what the Cancer specialist had told us and he shrugged and said, I don't know, I just know you are!

So I went to the OB...he did an ultra sound and shook his head. there's a dark lump on your right ovary. It's a cyst. It will just bust and go away at some point. And with no cervix you won't be able to carry this baby. Go ahead and get dressed. And walked out! When I came out of the room he handed me my paperwork to take to the front desk and called down the hall after me, "Come back in a month and we'll see if you are still pregant or not!" I was shocked, horrified and devestated at pbing treated this way!!! I drove all the way home in tears. When I told James what had happened you can imagine what his reaction was!

Needless to say we never went back there! We called the next day for an appointment at another OB and when I told them what had happened they got me in right away. BUT when this Dr. did the ultra sound he kept going over and over the "cyst" and taking picture after picture and measuring it from every angle. Then he asked me to get dressed and said he would be right back. But he was gone and gone and gone. I looked at James and told him, "It's cancer." James said, We don't know that..about then the Nurse poked her head in the door and said, the Dr. will be with you soon he's just looking something up. I looked at James and he looked at me. After what seemed and eternity he came back. He sat down and apologized for the wait. "I just wanted to make sure that I was correct on my diagnosis before I talked to you" This is not a cyst. It is a toumor and it is most likely cancerous. And he showed us all the ways he could tell. 

Back home to fear and waiting. Lots of Drs appoint. and ultra sounds to watch the baby and the tumor, which was groing fast and was soon outgrowing the baby. It was a waiting gaime. Trying to let the baby get big enough to survive the surgery but not let the cancer spread and kill us both! Terrifying!!! 

Finally the day arrived to have the cancer removed. When I woke up hours later it was to find out that they had had to remove the whole right ovary because the cancer had encased it. But I was alive and so was the baby. 

Two weeks later another surgery to keep me from delivering the baby too soon. I had now been in bed, counting Joanna's pregnancy for almost 15 months! The Dr. and Hospital were now on watch for me to deliver a very premie baby and had a helicopter on standby to take me to Anch. to the neonatal ICU. I had a Dr.s appt. every week. And every week, I showed up. The Dr. couldn't believe I kept hanging in there. He finally got to meeting me in his waiting room each week! Asking "What are you doing here?!" I waited for your call all week!?!" We just smiled and said, Everyone is praying. Finally the baby reached viability and I had another small procedure and the Dr. said. that would trigger labor so I would end up having the baby right away. But I didn't. Finally on my due date, while sitting at the house visiting with friends, my water broke and I went into labor! The next day, I had Andrew James. He weighed in at 10lb. 14oz!!! Not quite the premie we expected!! James calls him my "Life Saver" because of becoming pregnant with him they found the second cancer that saved my life!

All three of my children in their own way are my "Gifts From God". And I am thankful for each of them and love and cherish each one of them!

CHANGES

Amazed at how God can, seemingly, change His direction for a Christians life!! I've seen it time and again but it never ceases to amaze me...never think you have it all figured out, God may just be letting you think you know where you are going when you are really on the road to somewhere else!

Does FaceBook Show the Real Me??

Amy J. Spilman ‎'Like' my status and I'll tell you.....

1) What I have learned about you by looking at your wall for 13 seconds

2)What color you make me think of

3)What comes to mind when I think of you

4)What animal you remind me of....

5)Something I would like to know about you

6)A nickname Im goin to give you



You, like this..

Audrey L. Grant Bring it on girl! I can't wait to see what you come up with!

.Amy J. Spilman
Audrey -

1. I have learned, by some of the things I saw on your page, You enjoy scrap booking, and reading. And that you love warm, cozy evenings with your family and something warm and comforting to eat.

2. Yellow

3. I think you are a stronger person than I could ever be emotionally, and spiritually. And I think about how fun it would be to one of your regular visitors.

4. Not sure...maybe a beautiful, brightly colored Parrot. Cause you love colors and you love chatting :)

5. When you feel down etc, how do you manage to come out of it, or to be positive about things. . .

6. no idea
 
 
To me these were some very interesting and telling statements from a facebook friend of mine tonight! Just thought I'd share...

I FEEL...

I feel I have a million things to say and no time to say them,




Tears to cry and nowhere to cry them,



Prayers to pray and no quiet to pray them,



Stories to write and no words with which to write them,



Things to teach and no one to teach to,



Paths to walk and no strength to walk them,



Jobs to do and no power to do them,



Mountains to climb and no way to surmount them,



Children to train and no wisdom to impart them,



Streams to ford and no balance to cross them,



So much to do and no way in myself to do any of it…Lord, I need thee. Every hour I need thee!



A.L.G. October 3, 2010