How did I come to this place? I sit here 42 yrs old, a mother of three and wonder if I am doing and saying the right things in raising my Children. They are 15, 10 and a month from 9 and I always sound so sure when I tell them to do or not to do something. But sometimes in the back of my mind I am wondering, how do I know that this is the right? Who am I to always know what they are and are not supposed to do? Don't I make enough mistakes and messes in my own life to disqualify me from being responsible for anyone elses life?
It is such an awsome responsability! One I do not take lightly. I remember when James and I followed God's direction and moved to Ky. for two years. On the way down we ran into so many new and frightening situations that had we been alone probably would not have been a very big deal but because we had the three little ones it and they were uneasy about moving and leaving everyone and everything they knew. It was a very dificult time for us. There were many quiet conversations of "What should we do?" in new situations that we had seen our parents boldly go into in years past but we felt somehow unprepared for.
There were acttual storms unlike any we had seen in years both on the road and while we were in KY. I am sure that I had seen as bad or worse while growing up but back then I could bury my head till it was over and know that Dad and Mom would make sure everything was ok. Now I was the Mom and I didn't really know what do do to make "Everything OK".
I feel that way more and more the older my kids get. I feel storms of life and I know I am supposed to protect them and make things OK but I feel as lost and confused as they are and somehow unprepared. Did I miss something I was supposed to "get" some part of me? Some training? Some natural sense of growth? Most of the time I just go on instinct and everything is fine, then when I stop and think about it I just wonder, who am I? And what makes me so special? How can I possibly teach these dear precious Children what they need when I lack so much myself?