Happy 17th birthday to Mathew!! It is so very hard to believe how the years have flown by! I can't imagine that it has been 17 years since that night I gave birth to the "Son of my Heart" I had prayed for for so very long! He is such a treasure and a blessing to me! But he is growing up WAY too fast and I see the day approaching when he will be gone and on his own in this big old world and I'M NOT READY!
I can't tell him that, I have to help, teach and let him become the man he is meant to be. Oh, but my heart is bleeding watching him grow up and knowing my time is growing shorter and shorter that he will still be "mine".
Seventeen years goes by too fast! I'm selfish and want more time! I didn't know that I would start missing him long before he even left! But every time he talks about what he wants to do and where he wants to go after he graduates...my heart breaks a little more.
Happy Birthday my Darling Son! May we enjoy your last year of High School more than all the others put together!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Caring
Last night and today are a turn around for our family! The kids have spent the last 3 years taking care of me. But last night Andrew got the fastest cold I have ever seen! He was fine and 10 min. later his throat and nose was burning, he was running a fever, he had no voice, eyes and nose running, coughing... miserable! I gave him medicine and put him to bed where he slept for an hour or so and woke up even worse. So I was up all night with him. Pushing fluids, herbal teas, vitamins, giving vapor rub foot rubs...At 7:30am Mathew staggers in and same symptoms, with a whisper of a voice, my "Not even an Aspirin" boy said, "Mom, do you have ANYTHING I can take? I am sooo sick!" Herb tea was already made and I started the night over again with sick child/man #2. I hate that they are sick with every fiber of my being! BUT, I must admit that as painful and exhausting as it is...I am thankful for a chance to do for my kids a small portion of what they have done for me! The last three years have been so very hard on our family in so very many ways because of my health. It has changed the dynamics of our day to day life. It has been, and still is a very humiliating and humbling place to be, having to watch your family do what you should and WANT to do so very bad, on top of their own day to day busy lives.
It takes away all shreds of pride to be totally dependent on others for the very food, drink, socks, pillow, shower, hair-washing, etc. of simple day to day life that we all take for granted.
It is an experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and yet I still have such joy and peace in God! And such love and giving from my family! I hate that it has been so very hard on my husband and kids. This is the very last thing I would have imagined or wished for my family. "I" had other plans for what I was going to do with my kids during these few precious years before they are grown and gone. But for some reason. God has a better and different plan. I don't understand it, my husband doesn't understand it. My children for sure don't understand it! And while they love me, care for me and give to me with their whole hearts...understandably, sometimes they resent carrying such a heavy load and being "stuck" with doing all of my work plus theirs and having to babysit Mom all the time.
But they have done it with such sweet spirits for so very long! I am just thankful that God has given me the strength last night and today to give a tiny portion back in return and once again feel like "Momma" again instead of a helpless patient.
Now, I just pray my "babies" get well SOON!! I hate seeing them suffer!
It takes away all shreds of pride to be totally dependent on others for the very food, drink, socks, pillow, shower, hair-washing, etc. of simple day to day life that we all take for granted.
It is an experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, and yet I still have such joy and peace in God! And such love and giving from my family! I hate that it has been so very hard on my husband and kids. This is the very last thing I would have imagined or wished for my family. "I" had other plans for what I was going to do with my kids during these few precious years before they are grown and gone. But for some reason. God has a better and different plan. I don't understand it, my husband doesn't understand it. My children for sure don't understand it! And while they love me, care for me and give to me with their whole hearts...understandably, sometimes they resent carrying such a heavy load and being "stuck" with doing all of my work plus theirs and having to babysit Mom all the time.
But they have done it with such sweet spirits for so very long! I am just thankful that God has given me the strength last night and today to give a tiny portion back in return and once again feel like "Momma" again instead of a helpless patient.
Now, I just pray my "babies" get well SOON!! I hate seeing them suffer!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
FAITH
Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Is satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does satan come from ?
Student : From … GOD …
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor: So who created evil ?
(Student did not answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ?
(Student had no answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class was in uproar.)
Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.
By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?
Student : Absolutely, sir.
Professor : Is GOD good ?
Student : Sure.
Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?
Student : Yes.
Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?
(Student was silent.)
Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Is satan good ?
Student : No.
Professor: Where does satan come from ?
Student : From … GOD …
Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student : Yes.
Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?
Student : Yes.
Professor: So who created evil ?
(Student did not answer.)
Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
Student : Yes, sir.
Professor: So, who created them ?
(Student had no answer.)
Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?
Student : No, sir.
Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?
Student : No , sir.
Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?
Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student : Yes.
Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.
Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.
Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Professor: Yes.
Student : And is there such a thing as cold?
Professor: Yes.
Student : No, sir. There isn’t.
(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)
Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?
Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?
Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.
Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)
Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class was in uproar.)
Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
(The class broke out into laughter. )
Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.
By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Night Time Ramblings
It is weird, because we haven't even been around each other, but I love Janet so much, I feel like Dailee is my niece also and so I am as excited when big things happen in her life as when they happen in Janet's or my Brother and Sister's kids lives. I'm kinda weird that way I guess. That's why my ex-mother-in-law is still my best friend 14 years later! Tonight I feel like my Granny, who sat up in KY by her self, way into the night waiting for me to call and tell her that my baby that we had prayed for for 7 years had finally arrived! It was wee hours of the morning when I called and she was sitting there waiting, wanted every little detail about him and cried when I told her that it was a boy and his name was Mathew! .....Wow! I am way to nostalgic tonight!! Can you tell that everything is hitting me at once? Today (11th) was my brothers 45th birthday and we had a wonderful conversation. I'm watching my kids grow up too fast! My oldest son went on his own (long story why) and picked out, got the money from Dad, bargained with the lady, and bought our family a car today!! He is playing music in a Senior recital tomorrow night that he didn't "think" to tell us about, because it is "no big deal". My sister is getting married in Oct.!! I thought we were all going, but now...(see new car above) who knows, it may just be me going to TX. I'm so old my wrinkles have warts and my grey hair is turning silver! I asked a photo aging program to age my picture to show me what I would look like when I was 70 and it said it didn't do reverse aging! LOL See, this is what I do when I can't sleep. I write nonsense until I can start laughing at myself or I fall asleep. It's not griping or complaining, it is just the way my brain works. I type one sentence and a word in that one makes me think of something else and so I type that...and on it goes. No rhyme or reason, just me having a conversation with myself! SCARY!! Now when my Mom and/or my Sisters are around, we do this with and for each other...only we don't have to actually finish the whole sentence because we all already know what the others are thinking and talking about. And it makes my Dad CRAZY!!! It has for years! He gets so frustrated. "Why didn't you finish?" I never know what you are saying, because one will start a sentence and another will nod and say I know and take off another direction then before they finish someone else jumps in, and just when I think I'm going to hear a full sentence you all jump to the END of a different one and you all yell it together!! No one can follow that! I don't think you all have a clue what you are talking about! You are just doing that on purpose to make me nuts!"
Wow! I am looking at this book I have written and think I will copy and post it to my Blog instead as an Aud Rambling...this is just too much for Facebook! Night!
Wow! I am looking at this book I have written and think I will copy and post it to my Blog instead as an Aud Rambling...this is just too much for Facebook! Night!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Loosin' It!
Pounds that is!!
It has been, and still is a very slow process (three years and counting!). But as of this morning I am VERY proud to say that I have now lost 75lbs!! Yeah!!! I still have a long way to go to reach my goal but I am so very happy! This has been an unexpected and very hard battle that has lasted my entire adult life!
Why unexpected? I was always SKINNY!! Tall and skinny, no other word for it. At 18 years of age on my wedding day I was 5ft 10 and weighed 108lbs. And I had been trying for months to gain weight to "fill out" my wedding dress that my mom was threatening to stuff! LOL A size 2 fit but was way too short so we had to buy a much bigger one and have it remade so I would have the length.
BUT...there is always a but isn't there? I was only 18 and our parents advised that we wait a couple of years to have kids. So off to the Dr. for birth control pills. No warnings of possible side effects. Just take these and come see me in six months and I'll give you a renewal on your subscription. Three months later, my hair was falling out by the handfuls, and I was up almost 60 lbs!! We called the Dr. and he calmly said that it was probably the pills that they had bad side effects on some women and I should quit taking them right away. But that I should know that with that strong of a reaction, it had been known to take 7 years to clear all of the effects out of the system!!! We were furious! As you can imagine.
My husband was very unhappy with the extra weight, as was I, but no matter what I did, I couldn't loose weight. In fact between the stress over the weight, my hair loss (I ended up with a boyish haircut), and our bickering. I became so depressed I turned to food for comfort. Which had never been a problem before, but now....I kept gaining. By the end of our first year I went from 108 to 180lbs. I was now 19yrs old and hated myself!
The next years were a yo-yo of 10 to 20 lbs up and down. I would get pregnant and happy, loose weight. Miscarry and gain it back plus more. We would fight about it and I would gain a few more. (Not because I wanted to but because I was so upset and didn't know what to do to fix my life.)
After 7 years we were separated and I had finally lost some weight and was down to a semi-respectable 160 (after 6 years over 200 that was good for me!!) and he tried to reconcile our marriage again. It lasted a week. Three months later, I realized I was pregnant again. This time God answered my prayers and I had a big strong healthy baby boy!! I even lost weight through most of the pregnancy because of surgery (gall bladder) and came out of the hospital weighing 1lb less than I was before I got pregnant 159!!
That didn't last completely. As the next three years of single Mom and Divorce rolled by I did some more yo-yo-ing. But kept it somewhat within reason for the most part. Until God brought another man in my life and I got SCARED!!!
I had decided (without asking God of course) that I was done with men forever. I was never falling in love again. Never trusting another man. NEVER getting married!! PERIOD! But my room mate, who was a family friend from when we first moved to Alaska my senior year of high school. Had an older brother. Five in fact...but one of them I had had a crush on when I was in high school and he had never married. He and the other "Boys" started coming over and having game night at our place once in a while instead of always at their place. My son who was 3 LOVED it! And it broke up the long weeks plus they brought supper which helped stretch our budget which was really tight!
Short story shorter...one day I came home from work and there was a NEW washing machine sitting in my living room floor! James (THE brother) had found out that we didn't have a washing machine and that I was coming home from work and was washing all of our clothes by hand in the bathtub after cooking supper, because we couldn't afford to take them to the laundromat. That night when he came over and I said something about him getting his sister (who has a bad back) a washing machine he looked me in the eye and said,"This isn't for her. This is for you!" I knew then looking in those big gentle green eyes that I was in real trouble!
That was in Sept. '98. By October we were engaged and Feb. of '99 we were married! YIKES!! Now what does that have to do with my weight saga? I got SCARED when I realized that he was interested in me and I went back to my comfort for a while. Food. I still don't know if I was testing him to see if I got really big if he would take off and that way know ahead of time or if it was just my nervousness. But once again I ballooned up. By the time we were married in Feb. of 1999 I was 218lb. That is HORRIBLE!!!!
But he still loved me, adored me and treasured me as I was. I soon had another miscarriage which added more weight. Then I got pregnant and spent the whole pregnancy on bed rest with Toxemia and Blood Pressure through the roof. 6weeks early we had our beautiful baby girl!!
Then they found Cervical Cancer~tests - emergency surgery ~ recovery of more bed rest....
3 month checkup from Cancer (We have been told I will never be able to have any more children because of the surgery they preformed. I can no longer get pregnant.) TADA!! You are pregnant!!
BUT you won't be able to carry the baby, you have no cervix....Let's do an ultra sound. UMMM sorry to tell you this. You also have Ovarian Cancer on your right ovary. So go home. Go to bed. Come back in 2 weeks and we will redo the ultra sound and check the baby and cancer. This went on till the baby was 4 months along. The specialists were all amazed that the baby was still alive and that the cancer hadn't killed the baby or I or both. It was very aggressive and was outgrowing the baby. It had now surrounded the ovary and was taking over the baby's space so they were out of time and options so back to surgery I went.
This time, they removed my right ovary and the cancer with the baby right there in it's protective little sack that God had made for it. Then wait and see if that causes labor. Nope. Good. Home to bed. See you in two weeks. This went on the whole pregnancy. By the time the baby was viable they had a helicopter on standby to medivac me to Anchorage the whole rest of the pregnancy because they could not see any way that I could possibly carry the baby to term!! My water broke on my due date and my son was born (all 10lb 14oz of him) natural the next afternoon!
But I wasn't done with my drama's yet! They sent us home (10 days later the baby was back in NICU with pneumonia, urinary tract infection and they found out that he had broken his clavicle when he was delivered!) to wait until my six weeks and then checked me back into the hospital for what they called a Radical Hysterectomy. I nursed my new baby, handed him to my husband, the anesthesiologist put the shot in my IV and I woke up with my stomach split end to end and in full blown menopause!
By the way, I can't take hormone replacements because of four reasons. One the Cervical cancer I had was the same gene (or genetic make up) as breast cancer. Upping my chances of getting Breast Cancer to about 87%. Two, breast cancer runs in my Mom's side of the family as does Thyroid cancer, both huge indicators. And I already have a very sluggish almost non working thyroid that I have to take meds for another 2 strikes. Those two strikes would normally put me in the 80 to 90% range. And number Three I have already had every Female cancer there is to have except Breast so that ups my chances about 75% and Finally the one every one already knows about hormone replacements have been proven to increase your risk of Breast cancer! LOL So when my Dr.s, my Husband and I looked at the we all laughed and said that's like almost 300% chance...don't think we will add to it with hormones. So I went cold turkey from hormonal breastfeeding new mom to VERY hormonal menopausal new mom with no milk to feed new baby and baby blues, hot flashes, night sweats the whole salami!!
But we made it through! Needless to say with two years (two babies and two cancers and a hysterectomy) of bed rest I had packed on some more weight and now topped out at around 250 to 260 depending on if I was dieting or gaining it back. I hated it but with a hormone-less body, depression, menopause, two little ones and a big one who thought he was the third parent in the family! :) Life was busy, crazy and overwhelming!
We spent two years in KY. and I tried to loose wt. there but it wasn't till the very end that I lost a few lbs. but I was healthier than I had been in a long time. Stronger. When we moved back to Alaska I jumped in with both feet and hit the ground running as usual. (Not literally) I worked at the church office, I helped a long time friend in the Child Care field start a Foundation for training and education of Parents and Child Care Givers. I was walking with my kids, sometimes up to 6 miles a day. Hiking in my beautiful Alaskan Mountains with my friends! I lost a few lbs but not many. But I tightened up and built a lot of muscle.
Then it all came crashing down. I have had a bad back for years. (too long to explain) But suffice it to say, I was hiking a two day, over night hike with some friends around Crescent Lake and on the second day, I took a head over heels tumble with my pack on. I didn't go very far down the incline. But when you are walking a trail on the side of a mountain and it is rock mixed in with brush and briers it can do some damage.
That was fall one of the year. I didn't finish the hike and took a medi flight off the lake. Early that winter our car got stuck and I was trying to help push it and hit a patch of ice and fell backwards hitting my head and right shoulder on the ice. Knocking me out cold.
This started the migraines. One after another. They were coming so fast I wasn't getting a break in between. Sometimes as little as 8 hrs before another one hit. All of this made me dizzy and disoriented all the time but I tried to keep pushing through. Then I was so dizzy I slipped and fell out of the shower and hit my head again.
By now I was on Pain pills and got sent home from my volunteer job at the Church. I was missing so much anyway that they needed someone they could depend on but I couldn't see that at the time. To me, it was just more of my world falling apart! Then I had to quit the foundation because I couldn't keep up with that either. And slowly my whole world collapsed around me until it became Dr. visits, surgeries, bed and a recliner.
That was three years ago. I have had too many "procedures" and surgeries to count...it's depressing to do so. Swallowed truck loads of pills. And am still in my recliner and bed. The headaches aren't as bad nor near as many since this last neck surgery. Praise God!!
But the real subject we are talking about, my weight....When I was first sent home to bed rest from work. The depression was horrible! I cried and ate! I reached my biggest ever. I am not proud of that, but it is a fact. I reached 286lb. When I climbed on the scale at the Dr. and saw that I couldn't believe my eyes! I was 180 lbs bigger than when I got married at 18!! I was the whole person (180lbs that he had said was too big) Bigger!!! Now there were some numbers to wake me up! I was a skinny and a fat person BOTH in one body!! Not two skinny people. One of each!
That day I started (very slowly) loosing weight. I drink water. I HATE WATER!! But I make myself drink a glass of water after every thing I drink. If I drink coffee...water. A Diet Coke....water. It's not a huge change, but for me it was. I had gone years without water because I didn't like it. Now I have learned to kind of enjoy it with some lemon in it.
I also decide if I am hungry before I eat. Even if I want it. I make myself look at it and think. Am I really hungry or do I just want it because it looks, smells or tastes good? If I'm not hungry I send it back and ask them to save it for me for later when I am hungry. (Cause I can't get up and do it myself yet) I ask for a double serving of veggies and 1/2 the meat and 1/2 the starch. When my plate is brought to me. I eat all my Veggies first. Then my meat for the protein and iron. Then I wait a few min. and think about if I am still hungry and need the starch. If not. I send it back.
This is not an every day thing. I eat chocolate sometimes, just not the whole bar. I LOVE egg sandwiches!! I just try not to have them very often. If I really want something BAD. I eat it and I don't beat myself up over it, because the rest of the time I am eating good and right. And that keeps me from constantly craving stuff that would make me bigger and bigger.
Sooooo Now we come to March of 2012. I got on the scale this morning and I weighed (DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!) 211 lbs!!!! I have now lost 75lbs and going down!!
That's my story! SO FAR.....
.tif) |
| 108lbs 18yrs old |
Why unexpected? I was always SKINNY!! Tall and skinny, no other word for it. At 18 years of age on my wedding day I was 5ft 10 and weighed 108lbs. And I had been trying for months to gain weight to "fill out" my wedding dress that my mom was threatening to stuff! LOL A size 2 fit but was way too short so we had to buy a much bigger one and have it remade so I would have the length.
BUT...there is always a but isn't there? I was only 18 and our parents advised that we wait a couple of years to have kids. So off to the Dr. for birth control pills. No warnings of possible side effects. Just take these and come see me in six months and I'll give you a renewal on your subscription. Three months later, my hair was falling out by the handfuls, and I was up almost 60 lbs!! We called the Dr. and he calmly said that it was probably the pills that they had bad side effects on some women and I should quit taking them right away. But that I should know that with that strong of a reaction, it had been known to take 7 years to clear all of the effects out of the system!!! We were furious! As you can imagine.
My husband was very unhappy with the extra weight, as was I, but no matter what I did, I couldn't loose weight. In fact between the stress over the weight, my hair loss (I ended up with a boyish haircut), and our bickering. I became so depressed I turned to food for comfort. Which had never been a problem before, but now....I kept gaining. By the end of our first year I went from 108 to 180lbs. I was now 19yrs old and hated myself!
The next years were a yo-yo of 10 to 20 lbs up and down. I would get pregnant and happy, loose weight. Miscarry and gain it back plus more. We would fight about it and I would gain a few more. (Not because I wanted to but because I was so upset and didn't know what to do to fix my life.)
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| Me at 160 |
That didn't last completely. As the next three years of single Mom and Divorce rolled by I did some more yo-yo-ing. But kept it somewhat within reason for the most part. Until God brought another man in my life and I got SCARED!!!
I had decided (without asking God of course) that I was done with men forever. I was never falling in love again. Never trusting another man. NEVER getting married!! PERIOD! But my room mate, who was a family friend from when we first moved to Alaska my senior year of high school. Had an older brother. Five in fact...but one of them I had had a crush on when I was in high school and he had never married. He and the other "Boys" started coming over and having game night at our place once in a while instead of always at their place. My son who was 3 LOVED it! And it broke up the long weeks plus they brought supper which helped stretch our budget which was really tight!
Short story shorter...one day I came home from work and there was a NEW washing machine sitting in my living room floor! James (THE brother) had found out that we didn't have a washing machine and that I was coming home from work and was washing all of our clothes by hand in the bathtub after cooking supper, because we couldn't afford to take them to the laundromat. That night when he came over and I said something about him getting his sister (who has a bad back) a washing machine he looked me in the eye and said,"This isn't for her. This is for you!" I knew then looking in those big gentle green eyes that I was in real trouble!
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| This was me (second from left) the first time James met me 13yrs earlier. Now I was over TWICE that big! Understand my fear? |
That was in Sept. '98. By October we were engaged and Feb. of '99 we were married! YIKES!! Now what does that have to do with my weight saga? I got SCARED when I realized that he was interested in me and I went back to my comfort for a while. Food. I still don't know if I was testing him to see if I got really big if he would take off and that way know ahead of time or if it was just my nervousness. But once again I ballooned up. By the time we were married in Feb. of 1999 I was 218lb. That is HORRIBLE!!!!
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| 8 Months Pregnant with Joanna. She was born 2 weeks later. |
Then they found Cervical Cancer~tests - emergency surgery ~ recovery of more bed rest....
3 month checkup from Cancer (We have been told I will never be able to have any more children because of the surgery they preformed. I can no longer get pregnant.) TADA!! You are pregnant!!
BUT you won't be able to carry the baby, you have no cervix....Let's do an ultra sound. UMMM sorry to tell you this. You also have Ovarian Cancer on your right ovary. So go home. Go to bed. Come back in 2 weeks and we will redo the ultra sound and check the baby and cancer. This went on till the baby was 4 months along. The specialists were all amazed that the baby was still alive and that the cancer hadn't killed the baby or I or both. It was very aggressive and was outgrowing the baby. It had now surrounded the ovary and was taking over the baby's space so they were out of time and options so back to surgery I went.
This time, they removed my right ovary and the cancer with the baby right there in it's protective little sack that God had made for it. Then wait and see if that causes labor. Nope. Good. Home to bed. See you in two weeks. This went on the whole pregnancy. By the time the baby was viable they had a helicopter on standby to medivac me to Anchorage the whole rest of the pregnancy because they could not see any way that I could possibly carry the baby to term!! My water broke on my due date and my son was born (all 10lb 14oz of him) natural the next afternoon!
But I wasn't done with my drama's yet! They sent us home (10 days later the baby was back in NICU with pneumonia, urinary tract infection and they found out that he had broken his clavicle when he was delivered!) to wait until my six weeks and then checked me back into the hospital for what they called a Radical Hysterectomy. I nursed my new baby, handed him to my husband, the anesthesiologist put the shot in my IV and I woke up with my stomach split end to end and in full blown menopause!
By the way, I can't take hormone replacements because of four reasons. One the Cervical cancer I had was the same gene (or genetic make up) as breast cancer. Upping my chances of getting Breast Cancer to about 87%. Two, breast cancer runs in my Mom's side of the family as does Thyroid cancer, both huge indicators. And I already have a very sluggish almost non working thyroid that I have to take meds for another 2 strikes. Those two strikes would normally put me in the 80 to 90% range. And number Three I have already had every Female cancer there is to have except Breast so that ups my chances about 75% and Finally the one every one already knows about hormone replacements have been proven to increase your risk of Breast cancer! LOL So when my Dr.s, my Husband and I looked at the we all laughed and said that's like almost 300% chance...don't think we will add to it with hormones. So I went cold turkey from hormonal breastfeeding new mom to VERY hormonal menopausal new mom with no milk to feed new baby and baby blues, hot flashes, night sweats the whole salami!!
But we made it through! Needless to say with two years (two babies and two cancers and a hysterectomy) of bed rest I had packed on some more weight and now topped out at around 250 to 260 depending on if I was dieting or gaining it back. I hated it but with a hormone-less body, depression, menopause, two little ones and a big one who thought he was the third parent in the family! :) Life was busy, crazy and overwhelming!
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| At my Foundation Job |
Then it all came crashing down. I have had a bad back for years. (too long to explain) But suffice it to say, I was hiking a two day, over night hike with some friends around Crescent Lake and on the second day, I took a head over heels tumble with my pack on. I didn't go very far down the incline. But when you are walking a trail on the side of a mountain and it is rock mixed in with brush and briers it can do some damage.
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| Hiking Crescent Lake - Day 1 |
This started the migraines. One after another. They were coming so fast I wasn't getting a break in between. Sometimes as little as 8 hrs before another one hit. All of this made me dizzy and disoriented all the time but I tried to keep pushing through. Then I was so dizzy I slipped and fell out of the shower and hit my head again.
By now I was on Pain pills and got sent home from my volunteer job at the Church. I was missing so much anyway that they needed someone they could depend on but I couldn't see that at the time. To me, it was just more of my world falling apart! Then I had to quit the foundation because I couldn't keep up with that either. And slowly my whole world collapsed around me until it became Dr. visits, surgeries, bed and a recliner.
That was three years ago. I have had too many "procedures" and surgeries to count...it's depressing to do so. Swallowed truck loads of pills. And am still in my recliner and bed. The headaches aren't as bad nor near as many since this last neck surgery. Praise God!!
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| 286lbs at my largest. The only pict. I can find. I hid from Cameras. |
That day I started (very slowly) loosing weight. I drink water. I HATE WATER!! But I make myself drink a glass of water after every thing I drink. If I drink coffee...water. A Diet Coke....water. It's not a huge change, but for me it was. I had gone years without water because I didn't like it. Now I have learned to kind of enjoy it with some lemon in it.
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| Bed Ridden but not done! |
This is not an every day thing. I eat chocolate sometimes, just not the whole bar. I LOVE egg sandwiches!! I just try not to have them very often. If I really want something BAD. I eat it and I don't beat myself up over it, because the rest of the time I am eating good and right. And that keeps me from constantly craving stuff that would make me bigger and bigger.
Sooooo Now we come to March of 2012. I got on the scale this morning and I weighed (DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!!) 211 lbs!!!! I have now lost 75lbs and going down!!
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| -50lbs |
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Shopping...
My little girl is growing up too fast! Tomorrow she is off to Anchorage for a shopping trip with the "Girls"! Her Aunt Deanna, New Cousin -in-Law Jessika, and Cousins Hollie, Shelby, Virginia and Victoria are all going to hit the Big City and do some clothes shopping and asked it Joanna could go along!
Her Daddy said she could and so she grabbed her purple purse and her purple over night bag and out the door she flew with long brown hair and coat tails blowing in the wind and a "Bye Mom! Bye Dad! I love you!" yelled over her shoulder.
Of course she had spent hours with me the night before going through every item in her purse and bag making sure she was packing just right and she had already hugged and kissed us bye at least two or three times each before they got here. But when the moment arrived...She was out of here in a second!! She will be 12 in March and is already taller than most of the women in our church! She is a little lady already!
I'm not sure I am ready for her growing up, her confidence, her independence, her beauty, her shopping without me...but I'm afraid it is here...ready or not!
Her Daddy said she could and so she grabbed her purple purse and her purple over night bag and out the door she flew with long brown hair and coat tails blowing in the wind and a "Bye Mom! Bye Dad! I love you!" yelled over her shoulder.
Of course she had spent hours with me the night before going through every item in her purse and bag making sure she was packing just right and she had already hugged and kissed us bye at least two or three times each before they got here. But when the moment arrived...She was out of here in a second!! She will be 12 in March and is already taller than most of the women in our church! She is a little lady already!
I'm not sure I am ready for her growing up, her confidence, her independence, her beauty, her shopping without me...but I'm afraid it is here...ready or not!
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| Joanna 11 1/2 |
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| Victoria 11 1/2, Joanna 11 1/2, Virginia 11 1/2, Shelby 13 |
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