I haven't written here in a very long time. A lot has happened in my life since I last posted. I have written some in the last year and a half but I was posting on a semiprivate blog as I really wasn't ready for comments and others to see what I was writing and going through. 

I am thinking that I will move those posts over here in the coming weeks and merge that blog into this one. 

So, what has been happening?

A year and a half ago my husband passed away of the Delta Variant of Covid 19 after only 5 days. We didn't even know he had it. We thought he had a cold for a few days and his asthma was acting up. His inhaler ran out on the weekend and of course he couldn't get a refill from his Doctor till Monday, so I talked him into letting me run him to the E.R. 

They wouldn't let me in because "Covid"... so I dropped him off and said, call me and I'll pick you up. They did a "quick covid test" to let him in the doors and he explained what he needed. They put him in a cubicle, and he waited for a Dr. to come talk to him. 

Soon they come rushing in all geared up and informed him he had "Popped Positive" for Covid, and he had to have a chest ex-ray since he was struggling to breathe. Next thing we knew he was admitted and five days later he was gone!

From my strong invincible husband to gone in five days! I have been trying to deal with the aftermath and pick up the pieces and learn how to live without him, get a job to support myself after being sick for over 10 years and unable to work... the list is endless. It has been a long and very hard year and a half. 

I had to move out of our home he bought me as a newlywed because I couldn't afford to keep it but I can't sell it because it isn't in my name it's in his so my son and his family have been living there for the time being paying the bills to keep it out of foreclosure till the probate goes through while I am renting a one room cabin of some friends for the moment. 

A lot of changes.

I'm not okay but I am... It's hard to describe. I feel like a half of a person walking around most of the time. But I'm learning to live without the one who made me whole and complete. I know I'll be alright; it just hurts so very bad while getting there.

"Home Is Where The Heart Is"

I can't hardly imagine moving again! I am willing to but shiver with dread at the thought of doing so! We bought this house almost 18 years ago also! (WOW) As a PK/MK who was used to moving when God told Dad, "Go", the thought of buying was very scary for me! I felt like it was telling God, "No" We aren't flexible, willing to go or obey."

But I was wrong! 12 yrs ago we both felt the call to "Go". So we went! We put the house on the market (well we tried, and tried and even relators we knew "couldn't" get it done???! (God maybe?)

We spent two years at the Church there in KY. LOVED IT! An instant home just like our old one in Alaska! We felt we were Home!!

But after two years God said, time to go back! We were so torn! It's like having two lives! 

But the house had never sold and the family member who had been caring for the place was worn out with all of her travel, working two jobs 250 miles apart! Iy was horrible for her! (Thank you Sweet Amy G!) 

 So... We bought this when we got married, moved in with my (soon ours) three year old son Mathew, followed a little over a year and 1/2 later by our premie Joanna and 18 months later our miracle Andrew!

My House or My Home

When and where is that fine line of MY house, MY home, MY kitchen, living-room, yard, etc... I want things done this way. Put here or there, decorated like this or that.... At what point does that line fade away and you and your personality start to fade from your home and family?

It might surprise some of you. It sure has me! I would have thought that I had made a far deeper impact on my family with my constant stories of why this or that picture or ornament was special, what it's history was. (I started this very, very early with my kids as I went through life and death with all three of them just to bring them into this world.

And the last one it was very iffy whether I would live to see any of my children grow up.) 

Even now I live with high risk of return cancer so I have tried to pack all I need to teach and pass down into every fun packed, teachable, livable, talk-able moment!

But then there are times when, after being sick for so very long, I finally get up after a long stretch in bed and I feel so discouraged! Everything is different! None of my stuff is where it should be, rooms are rearranged, life goes on without me as if no big deal.

Don't get me wrong... I am SO GLAD, they are able to get on with out me! The first few years were very rough!

But, getting on with out me and erasing my presence are two different matters.Eradicating  my essence is what hurts. It doesn't feel like my living-room any more. It's like the "Grant Gang Hang Out" (J., J. & A.)

1/8/16

Raising or Training Children???

I was reading on another web page earlier and the question was asked, "What has helped you through the most difficult times in raising your children." It made me stop and think. 

We are not done training our children yet, They are 17,12 & 11 so they are getting up there fast but here was my Off the Top of My Head, Instinctive response to the question.
I prayed for 7 years to have my first baby. I had a LOT of miscarriages but it took 7 years before God answered my prayers and gave me my son. 

From day one to now, 17 years later at 6ft6', he has and always will be the "Son of My Heart" When he was 3 days old I took him to church and handed him to the Preacher and with my family standing around the Preacher held him, thanked God for answering not just mine but my family and the church's years of praying and we gave him back to God.

I thought, through circumstances that he would be my only child. But when he was 5 we had a tiny little girl the "Daughter of My Love". Once again we gave her back to God as I was finding out I had cancer and would never have any more children after surgery....6 months later I was pregnant and had cancer again! "You won't make it." "The baby will never survive." BUT...Our last son was born ON HIS DUE DATE, having survived 5 surgeries with me! He is the "Son of My Life".

We are far from a perfect family. I was abused by a "family friend" as a child and still bear the scars emotionally, I survived a 12 year marriage to a drunk and abusive husband, & now being bedridden with a bad back I get snippy and short tempered, then I cry buckets...

My  "Life" "Love" & "Heart" in 2006 ~ Ninilchik, Alaska

BUT at the end of each day when each one of my "Babies" wrap their precious arms around me and kiss me good night and tell me they love me and are praying for me...I take it all and put it back in my Savior's Hands where I placed it the day I gave each of them back to Him. They aren't really mine, I just get the Joy and Privilege of teaching them and watching them grow into what God would have them be!

"Kids" Movies???

Just a thought ~ James rented the movie "Brave" the other night for us to watch with the kids. Here's a shock...I DIDN'T LIKE IT!! Now before I get 27 posts on why I'm wrong let me give my reasons.
There were some pluses to the movie ~ I will give them that! A fiery red headed girl who is a bit of a klutz growing up and can't seem to get anything right. She loves the out doors and horses and knows how to use tools and weapons...all good!
Now the not so good...she (And almost every other child & teen character played for kids in movies now) is beyond rebellious, she throws fits with no consequences from either parent other than a "scolding" by Mom and a laugh and hug by Dad!
Then when she rebels big time they are SHOCKED!!?? Even my youngest child, less than 10 min. into the movie said, "She should be spanked for talking back like that, huh!?!"
And that happens all the time in movies! My kids rarely watch a movie without THEM telling us what the Kids or parents are doing wrong in raising their kids! How disrespectful and rebellious the kids are and wimpy the parents are. If kids can see it...why can't adults?
Number 2. Magic ~ does every cartoon made have to have SOME kind of Magic, spell, witch, warlock, potion, book of spells or magic, fairies in them? Even the animal ones have hocus-pocus type stuff in them, some scary guy they have to go to who "sees" their future or past or makes swirling green smoke and poofs with red lights....It's animals and it is supposed to be funny!!
OK>>>sorry for the rant but I have been stuck at home for four years straight and we don't have cable so I can watch cooking and crafts and there are only SO MANY books I can read in a day (Two is my limit then my brain is fried). So James and the kids often borrow or rent movies for us to watch as a family during supper since I can't sit at the table and I just had to "Let 'er out"! No one needs to respond. This is just a rhetorical question more towards the movie makers than anything. I just needed to type.

~Forgiveness~

Today I am thankful for forgiveness. God's forgiveness is unending and that is a priceless treasure! Today I realized that I had to show God's forgiveness through me towards someone who had wronged, hurt and devastated me through hurting those I love. I thought I could just move on and "Let it go" because the ones who were hurt had forgiven but I realized I had allowed myself to become bitter and hate filled toward this person myself while expecting the others to do right. (Humans are weird aren't we? We can far easier forgive a wrong to us than to someone we love!) So I had to pray, set aside my pride and simply tell this person. "I forgive you." Not if you admit you did wrong, not if you are sorry, not anything from them...for me and my relationship with God, Just like He forgave me when I was unworthy... I forgave. I never heard a word from this person by my heart is light and my mind is free between my Savior and me! Thank God for Forgiveness!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!

Nov.3~ Every November 3rd (and all the rest of the year!), I am so very thankful for my Dad! I'm thankful he loves, trusts and preaches God & the Bible! I'm thankful that in love he raised us strict but secure! I am so thankful for the way he loves and treasures my Mom! And I am so very thankful that we didn't loose him when he lost 1/2 his heart!!
Happy Birthday Dad!! I love you and am so thankful God gave me to you! — at Pontiac, Michigan.

Dad and I in 1969. He was in Bible College in Pontiac, Michigan.
This was almost 44 years ago!